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[01 Apr 2009|01:00am] |
is it really worth me taking another breath?
on top of everything else, finding out that probably by 30 i'm going to be in horrible crippling arthritc pain doesnt exactly boost my moral
i have the worst ankle arthritis my doctor had seen on someone my age
it'd be a lot easier to trudge through the shit if there was even a speck of light at the end of the tunnel. theres not. and it seems everyday that my vision is getting dimmer and dimmer
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[15 Mar 2009|03:54am] |
...i think you should go with beaver
wow...i've never been this embarassed in my life
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[05 Feb 2009|10:44pm] |
you know,
I could have a nice little reliable life if i could just settle and deal with what i have
but i cant
at this point in time that's more of a fault
but i'm assuming and hoping that it will help me later on
being determined isn't always a bad thing
yet being stubborn is
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[25 Jan 2009|05:17am] |
i cant help but step outside of my own misery to make others smile
and i have no idea what to say to her
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| the beginning of something |
[23 Jan 2009|02:48am] |
Its 2:48 AM on a cold night in Ft. Myers FL
I'm sitting on Kate's patio smoking a cigarette ... or a few
We'll see where my feelings take me
I quit smoking when I was in NYC
Current situations down here have driven me back to tabacco
Temporarily
I always sit down meaning to write
and just stop
My life is up in the air
I'm currently a homeless debtor with no idea where to go
Praying for a way to get back to NYC
so I can do auditions for national/international tours
and not have to worry about a home
If this is the way my life is going to go
I might as well enjoy it for now
I have to be far from my mother
I can't deal with her mind games any more
This is what I got from her today:
"I am physically and emotionally drained. I can't stand the thought of our relationship being so damaged. I need you to know that I love you. I just don't know how to communicate with you. I am so sorry for my failures and the way my shortcomings as a mother have affected you. I wish I knew what more to do but I don't. I hope some day we can begin to repair and rebuild our relationship. Just know that I do love you."
What the hell do I say to that mom after the things you've done to me?!
I've received notes like this from her every time after we part ways, or I'm kicked out. And I continue to come back and hope that things will work. They won't and I'm so done with trying, cause I've lost just as much as she has.
My father was the only other person who realized how crazy she is.
People don't understand why I say I have nothing, why I don't have a home or a family. My dad' dead. Even when he was alive, for most of my past years he didn't accept me. My parents kicked me out multiple times since I was 15. Even when I was living with them we were always going place to place. The first time I felt at home and happy was when I was in New York, I had started my own life, my own home. I was where I wanted to be.
So when people don't approve of my decision to go back to NYC, I just mention that. There's no other place where I can be happy. No other place that doesn't remind me of my painful past that was suppossed to be my happy childhood. There's nothing in New York to remind me of my 'family' or of my loss. There's a lot of people like me just trying to get by and fulfill their dreams. And when you've got nothing else, the love of your dreams is the only thing you can cling too.
All you need is love. Love is all you need.
My love is my art.
I can't wait to go home.
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| in less than 3 weeks... |
[14 Oct 2008|06:38pm] |
I will not be an employee of starbucks
Wish me luck on beginning the job hunt again
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[02 Oct 2008|01:54am] |
"why did you move to new York city?"
I've been asked this question so many times, and my answer is always the second thought in my head- acting.
I don't think I've admitted the biggest reason to anyone but myself.
I don't like to come across as weak, maybe I just want to convince myself I'm not.
Maybe it's easier to try and forget him altogether, and for no one else here to know what happened.
As much as I show the controlled, stable side of me in dealing with this, I know I'm not completely alright.
I can't be, and I won't ever be fully okay.
When I came back to Florida to visit for the weekend, I realized I had made the right decision.
I can't live in a place where I have an emotional breakdown as soon as I walk in the door.
I miss him so much. I miss him so much.
I've been working on the chalkboards for work, and everyone has been asking why I'm not pursuing art.
I just think about how hard dad was pushing me toward that, and how unexcited I was at the thought of visual art as my career, and how frustrated he was at first.
Then I remember the last months and how proud he was of me- especially in our last conversation. He was bragging to one of his best friends about how good I did in Thoroughly Modern Millie, which he was only able to see the video of. I just started crying. I could tell it was only going to be a couple of days- it was his last burst of energy before the comatose state, and it didn't even seem like I was talking to my father. I knew I needed to hear him say 'I love you' and I had to fight with him to get it. He just kept staring at me with this ' what the he'll do you want' look until I got those three precious words out of him. And that was the last time I had to speak with him.
It's been almost five months now, and I still haven't allowed myself to break down and feel everything.
It feels good to cry.
I miss you so much Daddy. I miss running my hands through your hair, laying my head on your lap and watching football, your overpowering voice singing songs in church, hugging you, your hysterical jokes, your C.S. Louis quotes, watching Star Wars or Lord of the Rings. I miss you. I miss you.
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[05 Jun 2008|02:34pm] |
i love parking lots
well me and daniels parking lot, at least
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| I feel like... |
[02 Mar 2008|02:20am] |
I wear a skin suit, with a zipper all the way down the back
Over time it had become so dirty, tattered, worn out
I had overextended it's abilities
So I unzipped it
Threw it in a hamper
Left it
To walk around naked
Try something new
While it was at the cleaners
I had a grand time
New things
A different way of life I had never tried
But the thrill eventually faded
I felt bare
So after careful consideration
I went back
Claimed my skin suit
Smiling and grateful
I've stepped back in
Zipped it up
I've never been more comfortable in my own skin than now
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| When sleep wont come... |
[28 Jan 2008|12:04am] |
I make a fake eHarmony account just to take the personality quiz
This weekend has been amazing
Though I've basically done nothing of the norm
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| Please |
[21 Jan 2008|09:08pm] |
If you believe in God
or a higher power of any sort
Or prayer
Or at least thinking of someone can change circumstances
Please think of my father
He's deteriorating fast
And in a lot of pain
He's going soon
and I just want him to be peaceful and in as little physical, mental, or spiritual pain as possible
thanks <3
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| I greatly appreciate.... |
[15 Dec 2007|07:00pm] |
Your constant reminders that although your life may suck
It's still better than mine
How about everyone just stands up
and tells me straight to my face
how big of a failure I am
and how I'm worth nothing
and no one cares about me
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[02 Sep 2007|04:55pm] |
he's so weak
i heard it in his voice
and all i could do was cry
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[23 Aug 2007|03:54pm] |
“It’s sad when people you know become people you knew, when you can walk right past someone like they were never a big part of your life, how you used to be able to talk for hours and how now, you can barely even look at them.”
Unfortuantly - It seems like this is what has become of almost every single person in my life.
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| Happiness |
[23 Aug 2007|03:46pm] |
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"We should not stive for success, but for significance."
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[21 Aug 2007|05:08pm] |
today - i talked to an old friend
and it was SO nice
i may have lost a few
but it looks like i'm getting some back
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[16 Aug 2007|05:43pm] |
i cant even let myself feel anymore
cause when i do
all i feel is hurt
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